Do they know I am a Human Being and not just a medical file number?

I thought I was done with testing after this last one....back on the list, right? No...excuse me , we just need you to do one more test, then the Transplant Committee will be satisfied (maybe) ....but if we find one cell out of place...more test, more tests, more, more, more....when is enough, enough? The committee wants me to have a special MRI done, that uses this special contrast. When I asked why they didn't do this test before they went in through my side, I didn't understand the reason. My own fault...I didn't go to medical school to learn all the medical terminology...so Judy (my patient advocate and angel) is looking into it, so maybe she can explain it to me in words I understand, really I am not stupid, just overwhelmed. So cancer....that's what they are looking for...there is a 99% chance I DON"T have it and a 1% chance I could have it.
Well, when something lit up on the PET scan...all hell broke loose (I guess) with the doctors and the committee and I was immediately taken off the list...you know how it is, guilty until proven innocent. So then I heard the call "LET THE TESTING BEGIN!".....blood test, for markers for cancer, CLEAR! MRI, CAT SCAN, X-Rays....CLEAR, CLEAR, CLEAR! OK...let's try this one...we are going to go down your throat and up your butt....NOTHING, CLEAR!

Oh, by the way, I said "this sure is causing me a lot of stress...I have to wait weeks for the appointment for the tests and then I have to wait for that phone call...you know that call...if you have ever waited for it....am I going to live through this? The whole time I am waiting....pacing....keeping my mind distracted....please God, don't let it be cancer....I can't handle one more thing..." I tell people all the time 90% of the time I am OK, thinking positive, meditating, creating beautiful artwork, doing my affirmations...."this to shall pass., "I know God wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much (Mother Teresa)" I stay in the "NOW", I don't let that negative energy enter my space, I am letting go and letting God (whatever form she takes). But, 10% of the time...I am some where between trying to hold my shit together with duct tape and completely falling apart. My support circle is strong and if the pity party goes on too long I call one of them, hoping to catch them in their 90% place. But every time there is a new test or new results to wait for....I just get more and more tired and I can't bounce back up as fast. Do all those people (doctors, assistants, insurance company people, transplant committee members) know what it's like....I would REALLY like to know how many of them have either gone through a life threatening illness, had their spouse go through one, has had a child with a life threatening illness or have been someones caretaker...if they haven't been that close to a person who have cronic or critical illness, they really can't understand what it's like....you are often treated like you are your medical file (I'm not saying everyone treats me like that or it happens all the time) "hello, transplant patient #145 78 782, appointment 3pm...if you will take a seat the doctor will see you in about 2 hours"....when the doctor comes in it's quick, to the point, and most of the time (I would say 99% of the time) I am never asked about how all this is affecting "me" (emotionally, mentally, or spiritually)....and when I say me, I mean "me".....not #145 78 782 "me".....even though one of my diseases is very affected by my stress. It is never brought up, it seems like they need to stay an arms length away. Why? why does it have to be so clinical, so scientific, so cold....are they afraid to get emotionally involved, you know it's just my life we are talking about, no reason to keep their distance. Ramble, ramble, ramble....sorry, off on a little tangent in my head.

So...just one more test, they are going to knock me out, go through my side to where the PET Scan "lit" up and take a biopsy and maybe leave a catheter in my side (just a little gift to go home with)...but, no.....prayer works, they went in and all they found was my poor little scarred up Live-r, nothing to biopsy, no where to stick the catheter. NOTHING, CLEAR! and then this doctor told my family and me the same thing the ERCP (the test that went down my throat) doc' told us...it's just all scar tissue, they should put you back on the list....one of the doctors (ERCP) went so far as to say to me and my doctors, that the PET scan is a lousy test to do on patients with my Live-r disease, because scar tissue and inflammation (the other quality of my disease) can light up on PET scans and show up as false positives....but none of that seems to matter, why? So I come home Tuesday, thinking I am in the clear, then I got the call from my doctor for this new test, really I don't have a choice, I HAVE to have it done, there is no way around it....so now I just have to wait for my insurance company to give the thumbs up and then wait for the next available time slot...and then even though it's already been a month that I have been off the list, I will wait for the results....I know I don't have cancer, I refuse to fight any of this, I surrender, whatever Her plans are for me, I don't know, but I will not fight everything that comes up, I know She would not want me to do that...the Universe loves me unconditionally, no matter what choice I make....but I would be lying if I said that there is not a small part of me (my Ego) that is scarred to death, scarred of getting that answer no one wants to hear. I fought for a long time, until I finally realised, that by fighting, I need something to fight against....and since everything is a part of Her, a part of the Universe (even cancer) then I am fighting Her...and I won't do that. I will do my best to accept whatever is brought into my life....and try to make the best choices for my own well-being....sometimes I do well and sometimes I don't....but you know, I am only Human.